Through Sickness and in Health Class!
by doofenshmirtzevilincemployee
Summary: The unit that every child dreads comes to Danville... Health Class! And Phineas, Ferb, and the gang get to take it! Told in Ferb's POV. Rated T cuz I'm paranoid... One of the generes is horror because of how horrified children are at this unit!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, everyone! So, this is a rather lovely little story about… *shudder* Phineas and Ferb in... Health class… ICK! What an awful unit… But! Anyways, the story is told in Ferb's POV, and, for the record, they both are in 7****th**** grade. Personally, I've always thought of Ferb being 13 and Phineas 12 in this story, but them being in the same grade. Y'know?**

**Okay, so, please do enjoy… I would be happy if you did!**

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><p>The day had come, like we all knew it would. The first day of school.<p>

It was inevitable – the turn of the glorious summer days to the windswept autumnal season. There would be no more building for fun, at least not until our homework was done.

Surprisingly, Phineas seemed undaunted. Would _nothing_ wipe that happy grin off his face?

We hadn't had much of a problem getting up early, fortunately. We technically weren't early getting up by our standards, either. No, we nearly always awoke before the alarm clock even had time to emit its annoying chirp, courtesy of my stepbrother, Phineas.

Nevertheless, I was still bleary-eyed as I trudged down the stairs after Phineas. Immediately, I spied a plate of waffles in my spot on the table, and began to dig in.

"Hi boys," Mum said, standing at the sink while washing dishes. "How did you sleep?"

"Great!" Phineas exclaimed enthusiastically, while I merely waved and flashed a "thumbs up".

"Well, looks like someone's excited," Mum chuckled. I sincerely hoped that she was talking about Phineas. "Did you remember that you'll be starting Health this year?" She turned back to the dishes.

I groaned mentally; I had completely forgotten. Phineas, however, bounced up and down in his seat.

"Ooh, yeah! I can't wait!" he said happily.

I smiled to myself. I knew what was discussed in Health class, due to my frequent "conversations" (meaning she talked and I listened) with a certain older Goth girl I knew.

_ Maybe, Phineas,_ I thought, _you wouldn't be so excited if you had heard what I did._

Just then, Dad walked in. "Good morning, boys," he announced cheerfully. "Ready for the first day of school?"

_ No,_ I thought, but nodded anyway, while Phineas nearly shouted, "Yes!"

Dad smiled. "Well, then, don't dally, so I can drive you two there!" He gave my hair an affectionate ruffle.

"Lawrence," Mum smirked in an amused fashion, "You might want to change first."

With that, Dad looked down and realized that he was, indeed, still in his jim-jams. "Oh, you're right, darling. I'll go do that." And he scarpered off.

I finished my waffles a second after Phineas, and together we took our plated up to the counter. We washed our hands, and precisely two seconds later Dad bounded back into the room, now dressed appropriately.

"Alrighty, boys! Let's go!" he said, exiting through the front door.

"Bye, Perry!" Phineas called to the monotreme sitting on the couch. I merely waved, and Perry chattered as I followed my brother out the door.

**That was fun to write… I don't usually like writing in first person, but I'm pretty sure that I did okay on this one. Please tell me if I did okay with the way the story is written.**

**Personally, I don't **_**care**_** if you absolutely hate the plot – if I like it, that's what counts. People really need to believe in themselves and not discontinue their stories because they got a negative review. But if you review, please, please, please at least tell me if the story was written well.**

**So, on that rather serious and depressing note, I bid you farewell. Watch for the next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey! It is I, doofenshmirtzevilincemployee, also known as Norm, overly optimistic assistant in taking over the entire TRI-STATE AREA! Alright… Here be the next chapter! Please, do enjoy… It makes me so happy that so many people have reviewed my story today. Six reviews so far… I feel so popular…**

**A few quick shout-outs!**

**NattyMc: You have no idea… :D**

**WordNerb93: Didn't we all hate it? And thanks… I feel a lot better about my first-person writing. :D You have no idea how insanely HAPPY I am that you are reviewing… you are probably one of the best writers this fandom thingy has. :D**

**BroadwayFanGirl91: Well, fanks! :D Like I told WordNerb93, you are one of the best writers we have here!**

**anon: Thank you! That makes me happy.**

**Zak Saturday: You know what? Just for you, I will. It wasn't originally going to be in my story, but what the heck. I can fit it in.**

**IzzieGS: Yes, yes he is. And about next year? Just try to tune out every little thing the teacher says… you will be scarred for life if you don't… Naw, I kid. I kid! You'll have the entire summer to forget whatever they told you… :D**

**Alright! That's it for now! Simply because I feel nice today, I shall take Zak Saturday's request to make this an Agent P chapter. There will probably be one or two more Agent P chapters following.**

**Please enjoy!**

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><p><em> Going… going… going… add a chatter for emphasis… and… GONE!<em>

Perry stood up straight, keeping an eye on the door in case his owners were coming back through it. They did not, so Perry reached his hand behind his to pull out his fedora.

_ Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo –_

Suddenly Linda walked into the living room, rummaging in her purse for something. Immediately, Perry dropped to all fours and unfocused his eyes. Everything suddenly seemed slightly blurry. He saw the vague outline of Linda pulling whatever she was looking for in her purse.

"Perry, I'm going to a cooking class with Charlene – stay out of trouble, will you?" Linda said vaguely. She opened the door and stepped out, locking it behind her. Perry heard her car start, and pull from the driveway. Soon the sound of the car engine faded, and Perry stood again.

_ That was close._ Perry replaced his fedora, and calmly walked over to the mirror behind the couch. It swung aside, and Perry leapt into it.

_ Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, PERRY!_

The custom-made, platypus-sized elevator opened, and Perry stepped out. He padded over to his cushy red chair and swiveled to face the screen in which Major Monogram would soon –

"Agent P!"

_ Speak of the devil._ Major Monogram was looking expectantly at Perry.

"We have just gotten a list of recently purchased items by Doofenshmirtz," his boss said. "He has been visiting multiple spare parts shops in the past week, and has spent the rest of his time shut up in his apartment. We don't know what he's up to, but it's clearly something evil, so we need you to go and put a stop to it."

Perry saluted, turned, and leapt off his chair into his hovercraft. He could hear Major Monogram calling, "Good luck, Agent P!" as he rose into the air and through a hole in the ceiling.

Now safe from being spotted by his boss, Perry rolled his eyes. He honestly didn't understand why he was put up to this every single day… His nemesis' intelligence was so low, Perry didn't _need_ to be there to stop him – Doofenshmirtz could do that all by himself.

But there was no denying that he enjoyed the routine. He liked having a nemesis, and going to thwart him every day was part of the deal.

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><p><strong>And there you have it! An Agent P chapter! Sorry for the shortness, though I do hope you enjoyed… I've never done this before. Alrighty, my frabjous fiends (yes, I meant to say "fiends" instead of "friends"). I'll update real soon and such.<strong>

**Because I added this chapter, my story will have to be much longer than I intended it to be… It was originally supposed to be a tri-shot story. Oh, sorry… it was supposed to be a TRI-SHOT STORY!**

**Until then, I bid you all adieu. Is that how you spell it?...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, you guys! I'm back for now! I haven't updated in, like, a week. So, sorry 'bout that. I'm going to have to continue these weekly updates until summer vacation, because I don't have time with school, homework, dance classes, more homework, a once-monthly cotillion, and the stress of going to high school come next September.**

**So, shout-out time!**

**WordNerb93: Well, you'll have to wait for another chapter and a half! AHAHAHA! Sorry. But anyway… why would you be so amazed? Surely you have SOME idea of the awesomeness you constantly contribute to this site. :D And, yay. I spelled something in another language correctly. :D :D :D**

**writer-person2: Thanks! I feel so happy… :D**

**Alright! In this chapter we'll be jumping back to Ferb's POV. I'm trying desperately to keep him in character, so he won't talk much, but hopefully he'll seem all observant and Ferb-like.**

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><p>I sat in my homeroom seat just as the bell rang. Ah, that bloody bell… dooming me to sit here in school for another one-hundred and eighty-three days <strong>(that's how long a school year lasts in California, but I know that every state has a different amount)<strong>.

Phineas was to the left of me, and Baljeet to the right. Isabella was next to Phineas. Buford was behind Baljeet. Gretchen was behind me. The other Fireside Girls were generally scattered around us, with a few boys thrown into the mix, like Django or that ball pit kid.

The teacher, Mrs. Something-or-other (I don't remember her name), began handing out our schedules. I received mine and stared down at it, looking at it without really seeing.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Gretchen holding her newly-acquired schedule. She asked to compare mine and hers, and I obliged with a nod. As it turned out, we both had the exact same classes. Gretchen looked quite happy about that.

Turning to around, I glanced at Phineas, who was animatedly talking to Isabella as they compared their schedules. Deciding not to interrupt, I looked at my own.

My heart stopped.

_ No,_ I thought wildly. _No, no, no._ Health class. At perhaps the most inconvenient time in the history of the universe.

Right before lunch.

I was numbly aware of the bell ringing, marking the end of the fifteen-minute period. I gathered my things (a deep purple backpack and my schedule) and followed Phineas and Isabella out the door.

My smiling stepbrother turned to me. "Hey, Ferb! What's your schedule look like?" I silently handed it over, and Phineas scrutinized it carefully.

_ Scrutinized…_ cross _that_ off the list of "S" words seldom used by children. I was jerked back to reality by Phineas' cheerful jabbering.

"Hey, we all have the same classes! Awesome!"

_ No,_ I wanted to shout. _Not awesome! I would give nearly anything to NOT have that bloody class right before lunch!_ But I kept quiet – I had a silent reputation to uphold, after all.

Phineas held out my schedule, which I took. I looked it over, and, seeing my first class, relaxed slightly. English.

Perhaps the day might _not_ be the worst day ever… No. With _that_ class? Not a chance…

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><p><strong>There you all go! It made me happy to write this. I love Ferb's apprehensive feelings about his class. I felt the same way.<strong>

**Wow. Looking this chapter over, I realize how short this and the other chapters are. Sorry... I'm trying to make long chapters, but I find it quite hard. I apologize for those who like long, rambling chapters.**

**Notice the subtle hints of Fretchen (or Ferbetchen, I don't really care what you call it)… they'll be reoccurring throughout the story, although it will most certainly be subtle. They are only, like, thirteen. And there will be Phinbella (I'm sorry, Phinbella haters, but I like the pairing). A little bit. Towards the end of the story, though, so you get to wait to see it!**

**Just a word of caution, though... don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend until you are thinking of marriage. Someone's said this before on this fandom, just recently, I think, but I'm not sure who. What does dating and divorce have in common? The start with the letter "D". "Doom" also starts with "D", too. What does that tell you?**

**I'll probably get flames for saying that, but I don't care... that's how I feel. I don't trust dating, or marriage. I'd rather be single and lonely forever. :D At least I feel that way right now. I am only thirteen.**

**Next chapter will be an Agent P chapter, but it will be the last one in the story. My story's gonna be about eight chapters long, so it'll probably be finished by the end of April or so.**

**If you guys are really nice and review, I might post the next chapter tomorrow… *wink wink***

**Oh, and for those who are waiting for my first story, How Love Feels, I think I'll wait to upload that until summer. It's nothing on you guys, but, you know, I'm experiencing writer's block. Sorry.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Meap. I'm BACK! After an extensively long time of being gone! So… here is the fourth chapter. It makes me happy to write this… :D**

**Hey, I just want to let y'all know about my issue on Perryshmirtz (for those who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, that's PerryXDoofenshmirtz). I don't support it, but I'm not opposed to it, either. Actually, I can kind of see their wedding… Doof is wearing the dress, with Perry in a black tux. An –inator is standing off to the side, ready to zap the first person to stand when the priest dude says the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part…**

**But, aside from my imagining the wedding, there will be no Perryshmirtz in this story. So deal with it, Perryshmirtz lovers!**

**Sadly, this is the last chapter that focuses on Agent P. *sniff***

**Here be the story… enjoy.**

_Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, PERRY!_

Our favorite semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action parked his hovercraft in front of a parking meter, which he dropped a number of coins into.

An elevator ride and a walk down the hall later, Perry was kicking a platypus-sized hole in Dr. D's door. Immediately after partially destroying his nemesis' door, a foul odor invaded Perry's nostrils **(do platypi have nostrils?)**, but where it came from, he did not know.

Doofenshmirtz turned around, looking rather surprised. Behind him was what looked like a half-finished –inator. "Perry the platypus, you're early!" he said in his German accent. "I'm, uh… I'm not quite finished yet…" He trailed off.

"Hey!" Doofenshmirtz said, snapping his fingers. Immediately Perry got a bad feeling about what was coming next. The last time his nemesis had an idea, he had nearly lost his owners. "I've got an idea! You can _help_ me finish my –inator, and then we can get started sooner!"

Perry pondered this suggestion for a moment. If he helped Dr. D finish, wouldn't that be doing evil? _But then, _Perry reasoned with himself, _I'll be cancelling out that by destroying it._

So Perry began to help Doofenshmirtz finish.

One-hundred and ninety-seven minutes later, only one piece was left to be put on the –inator: the self-destruct button. Doofenshmirtz sent Perry to get it. The box was just in his reach, but Perry still had to stand on tip-toe **(tip-flipper? GAH!)** to get it –

_CRASH_.

Doofenshmirtz whirled around, to find Perry buried under the box of various self-destruct buttons. He ran over and pulled the box off, and there was Perry, somehow caught in the center of a long-lost tire, clutching the needed self-destruct button.

Dr. D took the above mentioned self-destruct button, and said, staring down in annoyance at his nemesis, "_Really_, Perry the Platypus? We were _almost_ done, and you had to get yourself trapped, and –" His eyes widened, and he ran to place the button on the machine.

"Since you're already trapped," he said, twiddling a few dials, "we can get to the beholding!" Doofenshmirtz cleared his throat. "Ahem. BEHOLD, THE DISGUSTING-INATOR!

"You see, when I was just a young boy back in Gimmelshtump…"

_Oh, boy,_ thought Perry tiredly. _Here we go again._ The monotreme managed to tune his nemesis out for the most part, although he did catch snippets at what the Drusselsteinian fool was saying. Something about how everything he owned was gross and disgusting **(wait, those are synonyms… URGH! I'm SO off-topic today!)**.

"…and so, by making everything around me more disgusting, _my_ apartment will look cleaner by comparison! And then, because of this, they will make _me_ ruler of the TRI-STATE AREA!"

Doofenshmirtz then moved over to a pile of grayish-white stuff Perry had not noticed until now. "Now, Perry the Platypus, I will have to use fuel for my –inator. And since there is nothing more disgusting than dirty underpants, _that_ is what I will be using."

_Ah,_ thought Perry, _that explains the smell._

Doofenshmirtz picked up a pile of the stuff (Perry cringed – his nemesis was using his _bare hands_) and dumped it into a vacuum-like hole in the side of the –inator.

Without washing his hands (_Ick,_ though Perry), Doof pushed ON. The machine quickly began to power up, and Perry was busy trying to escape.

_Suck in the gut,_ Perry reminded himself. _And… nearly there… yes!_ He was free! Doofenshmirtz started to say, "Perry the Platypus, how did you escape," but Perry had kicked Dr. D into the machine on "how".

Doofenshmirtz landed, predictably, on the self-destruct button, but not before the Disgusting-inator had fired a sickly-green laser beam in the general direction of Danville Middle School.

Perry jumped off the building and landed in his hovercraft just as the parking meter conveniently switched to EXPIRED. As he zoomed away, the Disgusting-inator exploded, effectively coating Dr. D's apartment in very dirty, very smelly underpants.

"Curse you, Perry the – wow, that does _stink!_"

**Wow. I feel like my chapters are really short. But when I write them in my notebook as a rough draft, they look so long, and then I find the perfect way to end it, and then I type it and it looks like this. Meh. **

**So… let's take a vote. Who was ready to kill Phineas in Meapless in Seattle? He was SO CLOSE! SO CLOSE! And he… GRRRR!**

**Okay… deep breath… deep breath… hoo. *exhales deeply* I'm better now. Now, off to dinner I go. Read and review. Reviews make me as happy as Irving probably was when he acquired Ferb's snippet of hair.**

**I'll be making my first Monsters Vs. Aliens fic soon! And I'll be posting the continuation to Lessons in Living, too! And my poetry story. Urgh... I have so much to do...**

**Also, quick question: for those who have seen Monsters Vs. Aliens, who would you pair Susan/Ginormica with? I NEED TO KNOW! ! ...woah...**


	5. Chapter 5

**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hi, everyone! I have returned to post this chapter on this site so that all you guys like me who have no life can read it! Naw, I'm just kidding. I'm sure you all have lives… or **_**do**_** you… :D**

**So, you puny humans wish to read my story? Well, too bad! You must sit through my shout-outs! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! …Sorry.**

**I realize I forgot my shout-outs for chapter 3. I'll PM you all for my responses and such.**

**But here's shout-outs from chapter 4!**

**WordNerb93: Oh, you'll find out… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Excellent, so you have seen it. As for Susan, I would put her with Dr. Cockroach, but only under… special circumstances. Read my new story, "A Man Called Dr. Cockroach", to find out these circumstances! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Leopardlover1002: Isn't he? And yet we all love him for it…**

**IzzytheGreat14: Thanks!**

**IzzieGS: No, no it can't… and I did too. Except with something really painful. Like a truck. :D**

**I don't own PowerPoint. For character disclaimers, see my profile.**

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><p>How bloody right I was. Health class was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.<p>

The _second_ the bell rang, out teacher gave us a talking-to. She said she would not stand for inappropriate behavior in the class, how she would contact the parents of anyone who _did_ act in such a way, et cetera, et cetera.

You would think we were all naughty little children.

The teacher was a squat little woman, with a rather flabby face. We were to call her Mrs. Gnastee, pronounced as "_nasty_".

Her name only increased the already negative feelings towards the class.

"Alright, class," Mrs. Gnastee barked. "I only have half a semester to teach you, so we'll be jumping right into our first unit."

My heart leapt. Half a semester… soon, it would be over! The reign of terror would come to an end…

"Our unit is on sexually transmitted diseases."

A moment ago, my heart had soared – now it plummeted a few miles below its designated location.

_No. Not this one. Anything but this one…_ But it was no use hoping. Mrs. Gnastee was opening a PowerPoint presentation on it.

And so we were doomed to fifty-five minutes of absolutely horrible images. The only reason I managed to survive the first half of our lesson was because I was looking at the expression on Phineas' face rather than Mrs. Gnastee's presentation.

Poor chap. Twenty minutes into the lesson, and he already looked like he was about to be sick.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that, as awful as these lessons were likely to be, I _did_ need to know it. So I looked.

It was… well, for lack of a better word, _gross._ But it was nothing that could possibly scar me for life. Mrs. Gnastee pressed a button on her remote, and the presentation switched to the next slide, and –

Suddenly, a brilliant green flash illuminated the room, blinding us all. I blinked rapidly to rid my sight of the dancing yellow lights, and turned back to the slideshow.

It was horrible.

An image, a terrible image, too bloody awful to even _begin_ to describe, was on the screen. As the rest of the class realised what was pictured there, chaos took hold of the room.

Everyone was screaming. Isabella turned away, looking green, with a hand clamped to her mouth; Phineas dove under the desk, curled up, and stayed there, shivering; Buford lost his head completely and ran from the room, screaming, "Wash away the horror! Wash away the horror!" I turned away, to see Gretchen whipping off her glasses so she couldn't see anything.

Even Mrs. Gnastee was shielding her eyes as she tried to frantically shut the projector off, but to no avail. Eventually, Mrs. Gnastee gave up, and released us all half an hour early to lunch.

It took nearly half that time to coax Phineas out from under the desk.

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><p><strong>It was short, but, whatever.<strong>

**Ta-da! I don't know why, but I was singing the Aglet song while writing this. Hm.**

**So… now you know what Doof's –inator hit! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**I've got nothing more to say right now, so… yeah.**

**Did anyone notice something in my story that only British people do? No, it's not the use of the word "bloody"… it's a certain spelling of a certain word. You have to look close to figure it out. I'll give you digital brownies for anyone that gets it! I'm only using it because this is in Ferb's POV, but under usual circumstances, I would spell it normally.**

**Check out my new story, "A Man Called Dr. Cockroach" in the Monsters vs. Aliens archive!**

**Now review! Review! Review!**


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